Alexandra

….By all accounts I am a danger to society - I’m Pancha Villa - I break laws - upset the natural order - anguish the Pope and make fathers cry. - I am beyond the jaw of law. - I’m la desesperada, most wanted public enemy. - My happy picture grinning from the wall. 

I strike terror among the men. - I can’t be bothered what they think. - Que se vayan a la ching chang chong! - For this, the cross, the Calvary. - In other words, I’m anarchy.

I’m an aim-well, shoot-sharp, sharp-tongued, sharp-thinking, fast-speaking, foot-loose, loose-tongued, let-loose, woman-on-the-loose, loose woman. - Beware honey.

I’m Bitch. Beast. Macha!

Wachale!

Ping! Ping! Ping!

I break things.

Another Fathers Day, another holiday without you, another year missing you, another set of tears… I hate Fathers Day, I hate today… I need you here dad.

Maybe something is wrong with me, maybe I can’t cope with things the way others can, but till this day, I will never ever ever accept or be ok with the fact that my father had to die. Till this day, a picture of him makes me cry, till this day, i replay in my mind over and over good times we had, or the things he would say, or anything about him cuz only that makes me feel better.

Till his last breathing moment, he tried to survive, he wasn’t ready to go.  Cancer invaded his body and stole him from us, and the only thing in my eyes that has justified his death is the fact that he is no longer suffering, because i wouldn’t want him to be suffering the way he did. But that’s it, there is no other reason why he had to die at such a young age, 62 years old, a month before he was going to retire. 

I don’t understand when people tell me he is in a better place. FUCK THAT! He is not in a better place. His place, where he should be, the best place he could ever be, and believe me when I say, if he had a choice the ONLY place that he would want to be is here with us, its here, next to me - his baby, and next to his other daughters, and next to his wife of 35 years, and next to his grandchildren. All his fucken life all he ever did was work work work so that we could have a home to live in and we could have food and we could be comfortable. He worked so hard so that my mom could have a nice car and cute clothes, so that I could go to a private school, so that he could go on family vacations when my sister lived in Germany and then on other vacations with isabel and jacob.  He didnt care to work double shifts, or wake up at 4 in the morning sometimes even on weekends. His love was unconditional, it was the old school kind, it was real.

So you tell me hes in a better place? NOPE, He should be able to have gone to Jacobs (his grandchild’s) baseball games, and he should have been able to dance with his “favorite” granddaughter at her quinceañera, and he should have been able to see Joseph and Richard graduate. And even though i don’t have children yet, he sure as hell should have been able to meet and kiss and hug my firstborn if I ever have one and any children thereafter! He should have been there to celebrate my mom’s 60th bday the way we celebrated his, and HE should have been the one going with my mom to Vegas, not anyone else. He should be here enjoying the World Cup with me, and going to Dodger games with me, and in a few months watching football with me on Sundays… he should be here to hug me right now that I feel sad.
 
He shouldve been there rooting me on as i attempted to complete my master cleanse diet, just like he rooted me on for every idiotic thing i ever did. He was the only person in this whole wide world who loved and accepted and was proud of me for me, …that kind of unconditional love that no matter what i did, or how i fucked up, or how i hurt his feelings, his love was always there. He loved me even if i once ran away from home, or cuz i didnt graduate college on time, or cuz i gained a million lbs and looked fat, or cuz i cried over a boy. He was always there, to him i was beautiful no matter how i looked or what i did. I could have been a crack head, and maybe he would’ve whooped my ass, but he would have still loved me. To him I was everything, and he felt like that about his wife, his daughters, and grandchildren.

And if you want to call me selfish for wanting him here because i need him and because he always made me feel better then go right ahead, guilty as charged, I’m selfish. It’s not my fault he was always there for me. I know for a fact that no matter what i would’ve done or said, he would have never abandoned me like others did when i was in a wheelchair after my accident, and i wish i could ask for his advice about my love life, or about issues at work, because even though he didn’t always have the right answer, he always, somehow made me feel better, and made me feel like no matter what, things would be ok.

  I’m not ungrateful, and i know i’m lucky to have had a father figure in my life because many aren’t as lucky, and i know i lucked out to have had him as a father. And he taught me unconditional love and loyalty, and that is what i have for my family and peeps no matter what. But regardless of that, or maybe because of it, i will never get over it. And, nope, not everything happens for a reason, because i dont see any good reason for him dying, or missing out on our lives. And yeah, its been four years, but i feel like it was yesterday. And im angry, and sad, and i cry, and miss him so fucken much. And i wish i could just hug him, or tell him how much i love him.

And yes, i get jealous when people have there dads on fathers day cuz i wish i could bbq with my dad or take him to eat and buy him a cheesy tie. And maybe im wrong for not coming to terms with his death, but i cant control what my heart feels. and my only consolation is hoping that maybe one day, when i dye, i will be with him again.

R.I.P. Genaro B Topete

Your life wasnt lived in vain, there are still some of us who are keeping you alive as long as we live.